I used to be out with buddies just lately and the age-old subject of video games that pushed us to the purpose the place controllers had been thrown got here up throughout a dialog about Smash professional Riddles doing that very factor at an enormous event final yr. The same old suspects had been mentioned over drinks: FromSoft video games like Darkish Souls and Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, in addition to Cuphead, Ninja Gaiden, Tremendous Meat Boy—all video games that pissed me off a few times throughout my time with them. Nevertheless, nothing has incited the Gamer Rage™ in me fairly as a lot as Kingdom Hearts has, particularly as a result of Sephiroth is such a fucking asshole in that recreation. A lot in order that, I have to brazenly admit, the dude made me break a controller in half.
This isn’t the primary time I’ve voiced my complaints about Sephiroth within the 2002 action-RPG Kingdom Hearts. Ultimate Fantasy VII’s silver-haired prince of evil isn’t a pushover in any incarnation, however right here, he’s an actual piece of labor. Not less than right here he’s an non-obligatory boss, so you may keep away from the hair-pulling, controller-breaking frustration of all of it when you want.
However when you actually wish to take a look at your expertise and stats in opposition to this problem, run via the entire bouts within the Olympus Coliseum, a collection of rounds designed to check your may in opposition to the sport’s fiercest baddies, and also you’ll ultimately attain the Platinum Match. When you’re in, a lightweight ray beams down from a magenta-colored sky. “Oh, who may this be?” I puzzled after I first performed via the sport in my adolescence. You see the black wing, the silver hair, the first Class Soldier garb. “Ah shit, it’s Sephiroth,” I stated. Properly, no biggie. I’d soundly crushed the opposite 5 Cups within the Olympus Coliseum. I assumed I used to be sizzling shit. “Don’t matter,” I uttered as the enduring One-Winged Angel theme kicked in. “I acquired this.”
Pricey reader, I did not have this.
The match begins fairly painfully however it isn’t significantly tough at first. Certain, Sephiroth doesn’t flinch to most of Sora’s keyblade swipes. Nevertheless, there are a couple of situations in which you’ll be able to interrupt his assaults. None of that issues, although, since Sephiroth can simply whittle down Sora’s life bar to mere pixels in two or three hits. That is what began to piss me off concerning the combat: Sephiroth is OP. I imply, I get it. He’s additionally OP in Ultimate Fantasy VII, so it is sensible that Sq. Enix continues that in its collaboration with Disney. However what makes all of it unfair is that it’s a solo combat in opposition to him. Sure, whereas the opposite 5 Cups mean you can herald Donald and Goofy, the Platinum Match is a 1v1 between our big-shoed boy and the silver-haired menace. It’s impolite.
What makes the bout even ruder is Sephiroth’s second part. Do you have to get him to about half well being, he’ll get severe. As a substitute of strolling across the enviornment, he begins sprinting and, in some circumstances, even flying and teleporting across the ring. His spells grow to be stronger and last more on the stage. He assaults extra ceaselessly and with such reckless abandon that his Masamune appears to take up the complete size of the world. He summons meteors that oscillate round him and orbs that dwelling in on Sora. Briefly, Sephiroth, at this level in the course of the match, actually desires to bury you. And quick!
So, I went into the Platinum Match on the recreation’s max stage of 100. As I began the bout, my confidence swelled via the roof as a result of I used to be doing respectable injury. I used to be caught off guard, then, after I all of the sudden died a number of minutes into it. “Fuck that, I’m making an attempt once more,” I stated, trying to be extra aggressive on my second try whereas additionally monitoring my well being extra carefully. It didn’t matter as a result of I died. Once more. “Oh, my God,” I exclaimed as I restarted the match for the third time, and the fourth.
Round my tenth or so try at bodying Sephiroth, I acquired him to lower than 10 p.c well being. Regardless of operating out of things for replenishing my well being and mana, victory was nonetheless in sight for me. In a last-ditch effort, I flew into Sephiroth’s meteor storm, considering I may sneakily dodge all of the circling rocks floating round him. I did, however simply as I mashed the assault button, I heard Sora’s loss of life scream as a result of a silly rock ball hit me within the face. That was the second when, in a second of exasperated rage, I despatched the controller flying out of my fingers and watched its low cost plastic shatter into one million items.
Fortunately, it was simply a Mad Catz PS2 controller, a kind of chunky wired gamepads that price like $20 or so at Recreation Loopy (relaxation in peace). Sephiroth made me sweat; there was no means I used to be sacrificing Sony’s dearer DualShock 2. My late Grandma, although, wasn’t happy with my rage. I had to purchase a brand new controller with cash I’d earned alone via chores and work across the neighborhood as a result of, as my Grandma advised me, “I don’t spend my cash on anger.” Sorry to allow you to down, Grandma. Sephiroth is simply an asshole. You wouldn’t get it when you haven’t fought him in Kingdom Hearts.
I haven’t performed Ultimate Fantasy VII Rebirth but. (Been occupied with Rise of the Ronin and, now, Dragon’s Dogma 2.) So, it’s potential Sephiroth is simply as a lot of an asshole there as he’s in Kingdom Hearts. I did, nevertheless, end Ultimate Fantasy VII Remake and beat the shit out of him on my first try. I assumed he was hella simple there (and in Kingdom Hearts II), so I believe he’s possible simple to beat within the 2024 follow-up as properly. I want he weren’t fairly so powerful in Kingdom Hearts, as a result of his look right here nonetheless haunts me over twenty years later. And that broken-in-two Mad Catz controller is a reminiscence I’ll by no means let go of.
Fuck Sephiroth. (I nonetheless love him, although.)
